Are you who you want to be?

Are you who you want to be, or are you who you’re supposed to be?

I ask this question to help you reflect on two assumptions that we often find ourselves trapped in:

I am the sum of other people's expectations and my own: the perfect parent, the hardworking woman, the model child, the top student in the family…
I am who I can be within a life that feels the same day after day after day…

Have you ever stopped to think about who you want to be?

This is a common question in coaching sessions that often leads clients to deep reflection. If you’ve considered it before, congratulations—you’ve already made significant progress. If you haven’t, today is a great day to start!

The Roots of Who We Are

To understand this better, it’s important to know that from birth to about age seven, our brains are in what’s called a “programmable state” or “hypnotic state.” This essentially means we believe everything dictated by our family (usually parents and relatives) and social environment (teachers, school staff, coaches, etc.).

The capacity for reasoning resides in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain responsible for executive functions: abstract and logical reasoning (making hypotheses, understanding future consequences, etc.), decision-making, and planning. This area isn’t fully developed at birth—it grows gradually and matures around the ages of 25–30.

This is why, as children, we believe everything we’re told. It isn’t until around the age of 12 that we begin forming our first logical reflections.

Many of the beliefs formed in our childhood become deeply embedded in our unconscious “hard drive,” shaping thought and behavior patterns that influence who we are—often without our conscious input or ability to intervene.

An Example of Embedded Beliefs

Let’s consider a fictional example: Gonzalo, a high school literature teacher, was labeled as an extremely sensitive child in his family and social circles. His teacher used to mock him in front of other kids, calling him “soft,” which amplified his insecurity and fear of expressing emotions.

In adulthood, Gonzalo discovered that he is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), with heightened emotional sensitivity. This realization helped him understand much of his childhood experiences, and he decided to work on becoming the person he wanted to be. His first decision: to stop being insecure.

Many of our behaviors and decisions are conditioned by these blind beliefs stored in our unconscious “hard drive,” which limit us in the present. Understanding what’s stored there provides valuable insights into why we are the way we are.

Here’s another example: Bárbara wishes she were less of a perfectionist. She spends too much time trying to make everything flawless, and her work piles up because she won’t allow herself to submit anything without reviewing it repeatedly. In one of our sessions, Bárbara mentioned that her family constantly said, “You must always do things well.” If she didn’t, she would face reprimands she wanted to avoid.

This accumulation of beliefs shapes the behaviors and habits we repeat, often unconsciously.

Positive and Negative Aspects of Our “Programming”

Not all unconscious behaviors are negative. For example, Claudia grew up surrounded by elite athletes—her father and brother. She understands the benefits of effort and consistency and applies them daily, which has helped her succeed in her career.

However, the downside is that when things don’t go her way, the frustration she feels becomes overwhelming and hard to control. This is the emotion Claudia wants to work on.

How to Move Closer to Who You Want to Be

Using Claudia’s example, here are some steps to take:

Acknowledge the issue. Claudia recognizes that her frustration generates a negative emotion she wants to manage better.
Reflect on the emotion. She examines how frustration feels when it arises, how it makes her react, and what physical sensations it triggers in her body.
Visualize a better response. Claudia imagines how she’d like to respond to frustration instead of reacting impulsively.
Practice intentionality. Even on days without frustrating situations, she dedicates a few minutes to visualizing her desired response for the next time frustration occurs.
Reinforce the new pattern. Over time, Claudia’s new response to frustration becomes stronger and more ingrained, creating new neural pathways.

Starting with something specific—like an emotion you frequently experience and want to change—is an excellent way to begin. I invite you to try this and share your feedback.

There’s only one step between doing it and not doing it, but imagine the benefits of gradually working toward becoming the person you truly want to be.

If you want to explore this more deeply, feel free to request information at: melindasanchezcoach@gmail.com

Thank you!

Image by Freepik

Melinda Sánchez Coach

www.melindasanchezcoach.com